


Brilliant, why didn’t I think of that?

by ArtyMissK



Series: Poems, Mathoms & Other Things [5]
Category: The Hobbit All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Crossdressing, Gen, Humor, Other, gen - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-29
Updated: 2015-03-29
Packaged: 2018-03-20 05:38:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3638787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArtyMissK/pseuds/ArtyMissK
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The dwarves are convinced that once inside Mirkwood the elves will spy on them,  thankfully they have brilliant disguises for such an occasion - they pretend to be women.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Brilliant, why didn’t I think of that?

**Author's Note:**

> Standard disclosures apply, I own neither the Hobbit or LOTR. (Well except a rather nerdy collection of the books and movies!) 
> 
> Anything in Italic is Bilbo’s inner Took.

Gandalf left with his horse on some secret wizard thing and immediately the mighty dwarves of Erebor dropped their weapons…and their trousers.

 

“What are you doing?” asks Bilbo hesitantly, knowing full well that it's a question that will have a rather odd (meaning dwarvish!) answer.

 

“Taking precautions!” cries Kili in reply already fighting with his boots.

 

“Why?” asks the baffled burglar. _Yes, why?_

 

“Because the _elves_!” shouts Fili from across the ‘camp’, _but of course!_

 

“And the forest.” finishes Kili.

 

“Do you understand?” asks Thorin as if he were talking to a frightened animal, despite the fact he’s plaiting his hair over one shoulder in an effort to bare his neck.

 

“Not really no, you’re all stood out in broad daylight stripping down to your unmentionables because we’re going through a forest!”

 

“Don’t be so silly!” scolds Dori – although he too is playing with his hair. _Who knew it was that long?_

 

It's interesting to say the least once in their smalls the dwarves start to re-do their hair and it Bilbo had ever thought that they were elaborate to begin with, he could have never been more wrong! _I wonder how often they do this?_ They even apply powder to their faces and bright shades of colour to their eyes and lips. _That red is rather lovely._

 

They even have ladies clothing, Dori has produced an embroidered red number that matches his cape and Nori has turned his hair into a sort of oversized bow, while the others squeeze themselves into dresses and long skirt, little Ori even has a bonnet. _He looks so cute._

 

“Remember to hide things in the places the elves wont dare to touch!” says Balin calmly as if everything is perfectly normal.

 

“ _Why are you doing this_?” blurts Bilbo’s inner Took suddenly, he’s usually so in control of it.

 

“Balin, explain!” ~~asks~~ demands Thorin, who’s still trying to look like a brooding king while hiding Orcrist up his skirt.

“Well laddie, elves are a suspicious folk, unlike us dwarves and they instinctively know when races other than themselves enter the forest, and male dwarves are always imprisoned no matter the reasons for being there,”  explains the old dwarf in his best grandfatherly tone, pausing to check that Bilbo understands “we have devised an ingenious way of out witting the elves, they,”

 

Although he is suddenly interrupted by his ~~sister~~ brother “They like to think ther’ all graceful and gentile by ne’er imprisoning women-folk.” finishes Dwalin, _he looks more terrifying than usual._

 

 _Actually a few of them make rather nice ‘women’_.

 

Bilbo does listen and look, really he does before becoming utterly distracted by Kili and Fili.

 

“Brother help me…I need letting out.” says the younger of the Durin lads, not that his brother is much help.

 

“That’s the first step on a slippery slope!” chuckles Fili.

 

“I’m not getting fat,” pouts Kili, adjusting his new found ‘breasts’ before turning, so that his corset can be loosened “just an inch.”

 

“Of course brother.” replies Fili lovingly before letting out Kili’s corset by at least four inches.

 

Bilbo knows he’s staring, the dwarves also know he’s staring, but still no one says a word.

 

“Your plan to outwit the elves is to dress as women.” asks the hobbit staring at the mad darrow in front of him. _THIS is a brilliant plan it's bound to out smart the elves!_

 

“Yes.” answers more or less every dwarf in the area.

 

“Brilliant, why didn’t I think of that?”

 

“Because mister Bilbo, you’re a hobbit, not a well travelled darrow like us.” says Bofur, motioning to the company of lady-darrow. Bilbo can tell it's Bofur - the hat gives it away.

 

Still Bilbo - both Baggins and Took can't help but agree with them, he has never travelled further than Froggmorton, maybe this kind of thing is necessary.

 

“Master Baggins.” Bilbo is disturbed from his thoughts by lady Thorin and really he looks fantastic, all midnight blue velvet and a slight red colouring to ~~his~~ her lips. “If you are quite finished fantasizing, we are waiting on you.”

 

_Brilliant, why didn’t I think of that._

~

**Author's Note:**

> I’m not against continuing this if you want me to drop a comment below ☺


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